In Episode 46 of The Mental Wellness Practice Podcast, Dr. Shainna breaks down what reparenting really means, why so many adults are engaging in it (often without knowing there's a word for it), and how to begin practicing it in ways that are concrete and sustainable — not just conceptual.
The idea of reparenting can feel daunting. It implies that something went wrong in your upbringing — which, for many people, is an uncomfortable truth to sit with. But reparenting doesn't require you to indict your parents or blame your childhood for everything. It simply requires you to notice where your developmental needs weren't fully met, and to begin — as an adult — providing those things for yourself.
"Every adult is, in some sense, still carrying the child they once were. Reparenting is the practice of meeting that child — not to stay there, but to give them what they needed so you can move forward."
What Reparenting Actually Means
Reparenting is the deliberate practice of providing yourself — as an adult — with the care, structure, attunement, and nurturing that you needed but did not receive adequately in childhood. It emerges from the understanding that our early experiences with caregivers form the blueprint for how we relate to ourselves, to others, and to the world.
When those early experiences were inconsistent, emotionally unavailable, critical, neglectful, or harmful, the child adapts — often in ways that make sense in that environment but that cause suffering in adult life. The adult who cannot set limits, or who is relentlessly self-critical, or who cannot receive kindness without suspicion — these are often children who adapted to environments that required those responses. Reparenting is the process of updating those adaptations.
The Four Pillars of Reparenting
Healthy parenting includes consistent, compassionate structure. Reparenting yourself through discipline means building routines and habits that support your wellbeing — and honoring the commitments you make to yourself — not from punishment or self-coercion, but from genuine care. This might look like keeping a sleep schedule, following through on exercise you promised yourself, or creating simple daily routines that give your life rhythm and predictability.
Children need play. Adults need it too — but many people who didn't have childhoods that supported play find it genuinely difficult to allow themselves unstructured enjoyment without guilt or productivity. Reparenting through joy means deliberately making room for pleasure, creativity, silliness, and delight — not because you've earned it, but because you are a person and people need it.
One of the most important things a caregiver provides is co-regulation — being present with a child's emotions in a way that helps them learn those emotions are survivable and manageable. Many adults missed this. Reparenting through emotional regulation means learning to be present with your own feelings without dismissing, suppressing, or being overwhelmed by them — becoming the steady witness your inner child never had.
The beliefs we formed about ourselves in childhood — "I'm too much," "I'm not enough," "I have to earn love," "I'm the problem" — become the operating system of our inner world. Reparenting involves actively noticing these narratives, questioning their origin, and consciously choosing to replace them with something truer. This is slow work, and it often benefits from therapeutic support — but it is also work that can be done daily, in small moments of self-awareness and self-compassion.
Practical Reparenting in Daily Life
Small, Daily Reparenting Practices
- When you make a mistake: Notice your self-talk. Would you speak to a child you loved that way? If not, practice speaking to yourself the way you would to them.
- When you're overwhelmed: Pause and ask what you actually need right now — water, rest, movement, connection, quiet. Then give yourself permission to tend to it.
- When you feel a strong emotion: Name it ("I'm feeling scared") and allow it to be present without immediately trying to fix or dismiss it. This is co-regulation with yourself.
- When you want to say no but feel you can't: Recognize this as a childhood survival pattern. Practice naming the boundary to yourself first before working up to saying it aloud.
- When you feel proud of yourself: Let yourself receive it. Don't immediately minimize it. Say it, write it down, or tell someone. Children need celebration — so do adults.
When to Seek Professional Support
Many aspects of reparenting can be practiced independently, and doing so can be genuinely meaningful. But for people who carry significant childhood trauma, neglect, or emotional abuse, working with a therapist — particularly one trained in trauma-informed approaches, Internal Family Systems (IFS), somatic therapy, or inner child work — provides a container for doing this work safely and at depth.
Reparenting surfaces vulnerable material. The child-self who needed things and didn't get them is often also the part of you that learned not to need things. Meeting that part gently, with a skilled guide alongside you, can accelerate and deepen healing in ways that solo work cannot always reach.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is reparenting?
Reparenting is the psychological practice of consciously providing yourself — as an adult — with the care, attunement, structure, and nurturing you needed but didn't adequately receive in childhood. It's based on the understanding that many patterns we carry into adulthood were shaped by early caregiver experiences. When those experiences were inadequate, inconsistent, or harmful, reparenting means becoming the responsive, compassionate parent-figure to yourself that you needed then.
How is reparenting different from self-care?
Self-care focuses on the present: rest, nourishment, pleasure. Reparenting operates at a deeper level — it's targeted at developmental needs that weren't met in childhood and that still influence how you function today. Where self-care might be taking a bath or going to bed early, reparenting might be speaking kindly to yourself when you make a mistake, setting limits that felt unsafe to set in childhood, or learning to tolerate emotions that weren't allowed in your childhood home. Reparenting is developmental work; self-care is maintenance. Both matter.
What are the four pillars of reparenting?
The four pillars are: (1) Discipline — creating structure from compassion rather than fear; meeting commitments to yourself from genuine care. (2) Joy — allowing yourself play, pleasure, and creativity without guilt or conditions. (3) Emotional regulation — developing the capacity to identify, feel, and move through emotions without suppression or overwhelm. (4) Revising your inner narrative — actively challenging and revising the internal beliefs shaped by early caregiving that no longer serve you.
Can I reparent myself without a therapist?
Yes — some aspects of reparenting can be practiced independently. However, for people who experienced significant childhood trauma, neglect, or abuse, working with a therapist trained in trauma-informed approaches, IFS, or somatic therapy can make the work both safer and more effective. Reparenting often surfaces deep and sometimes painful material. Therapy and independent practice aren't mutually exclusive — they work well together.
How do I know if I need reparenting?
Most people carry some unmet childhood needs. Signs that reparenting might be valuable include: harsh inner self-talk; difficulty setting and maintaining limits; struggling to identify or express emotions; relationships that recreate childhood dynamics; chronic people-pleasing; difficulty receiving care or kindness; feeling fundamentally unworthy; and difficulty tolerating being alone. These are often adaptations to childhood environments — not flaws in your character.