In Episode 56 of The Mental Wellness Practice Podcast, Dr. Shainna explores the complex landscape of grief — what it actually is, the many forms it takes, the myths that make it harder to bear, and how we can hold grief and joy not as opposites but as parallel truths of a fully lived life.
Grief is one of the most universal human experiences. And yet, in many ways, we are poorly equipped to navigate it. We lack adequate language, adequate rituals, and adequate cultural permission to grieve fully — particularly for losses that don't fit neatly into the category of death.
"Grief is not a problem to solve or a stage to complete. It is a profound act of love — the ongoing acknowledgment that something mattered, that it was real, and that its absence has changed you."
What Grief Actually Is
Grief is the natural emotional response to significant loss. While it is most commonly associated with the death of someone we love, grief can arise from any loss that matters: the end of a relationship, a miscarriage, a serious diagnosis, a lost career, a move that severed a community, the end of a friendship, even the gap between who we hoped we'd be and who we've become.
Grief is not one emotion. It is a constellation of feelings — sadness, anger, confusion, numbness, relief, guilt, longing, even moments of profound gratitude or joy — that move through us in waves, rarely in any predictable sequence. The idea that grief progresses through neat stages toward resolution is one of the most persistent and most harmful myths about what grief actually looks and feels like.
The Many Forms of Loss
Death, estrangement, divorce, or a friendship ending — the absence of someone who was once present, whose presence shaped who we are.
Who we were in a role, a relationship, a career, a body, a belief system. When those things change, we may grieve a self we can no longer recognize or return to.
A pregnancy loss, an illness that changes a life trajectory, a path not taken, a dream that has become unreachable — the grief of a future that will not arrive as imagined.
Loss without a clear ending — a loved one with dementia, an estrangement without resolution, a relationship that is technically present but experientially absent. Some of the hardest grief to name or acknowledge.
The layering of multiple losses, often across a short period of time, that can overwhelm ordinary coping. Each individual loss may seem manageable; together, they can feel crushing.
Grief for a loss that isn't socially recognized or validated — the death of a pet, the end of a non-romantic relationship, pregnancy loss, or the loss of a person with whom the relationship was complicated. Grief without permission is grief that is harder to carry.
Myths That Make Grief Harder
Grief follows stages in a predictable order, and you should be "done" with each stage before moving to the next.
If you're feeling happy or enjoying life, you must not really be grieving (or not grieving enough).
The goal of grief is to "get over" the loss and return to who you were before.
Grief is non-linear, recursive, and deeply individual. There is no correct sequence and no universal timeline.
Joy and grief coexist. Moments of happiness do not erase grief — they are part of being fully human, even in loss.
Grief changes you. The goal is not to return to before, but to integrate the loss into a continuing, meaningful life.
Grief and Joy: Not Opposites
One of the most important things to understand about grief is that joy and grief are not mutually exclusive. They can and do coexist — sometimes in the same moment, sometimes in the same breath. Laughing at a memory of someone you've lost is not a betrayal. Feeling pleasure in the midst of mourning is not a sign that you care less. It is a sign that you are alive, and that life insists on continuing even when part of you cannot believe that it should.
The cultural prohibition on joy during grief — the expectation that grief requires a kind of continuous, unbroken sorrow — can add a layer of guilt and shame to an already painful experience. Releasing this expectation is one of the most compassionate things you can do for yourself in loss.
Grief researchers Stroebe and Schut developed what they call the Dual Process Model of Coping with Bereavement. In this model, grieving people naturally oscillate between two orientations: loss-orientation (actively confronting and processing the grief) and restoration-orientation (attending to life and finding moments of relief, connection, or joy).
This oscillation is healthy. It is not avoidance or denial to turn toward life. It is a natural part of how human beings survive and integrate loss. Both orientations are necessary. The problem is not moving between them — the problem is getting stuck exclusively in one.
Five Ways to Navigate Grief with More Compassion
Grief often contains multiple losses within a single loss. The death of a parent may involve grief for the person, for the relationship you had, for the relationship you never got to have, for your own changed identity as someone's child, and for a future that no longer exists in the form you imagined. Naming each layer specifically can help you grieve more fully and accurately, rather than experiencing an undifferentiated weight that feels impossible to hold.
Grief does not have a due date. The societal expectation that people should "be better" within a certain period — weeks, months, a year — adds an additional layer of suffering to an already painful experience. Your grief has its own pace. There is no correct speed, and being "still" affected by a loss does not mean you are doing grief wrong. Release yourself from the obligation to be healed on anyone else's schedule.
When joy appears in the midst of grief — and it will — let it be there. Notice it without immediately judging yourself for it. Moments of genuine pleasure, laughter, or connection do not erase your grief or dishonor who or what you've lost. They are not signs that you have healed prematurely. They are evidence of your aliveness, and they can be a source of sustaining energy in a hard season.
Grief does not do well in the absence of form. Rituals — whether formal or personal — give grief a place to exist. They might be anniversary acknowledgments, tending to a living thing in someone's memory, writing letters to someone who has died, revisiting meaningful places, or simply setting aside intentional time to feel what you need to feel. Containing grief — not suppressing it, but giving it a structure — makes it more manageable.
What most grieving people need is not advice or silver linings — it is to be witnessed. To have someone sit with them in the reality of the pain, without trying to fix, minimize, or rush it. If you are supporting a grieving person, presence is more powerful than words. If you are grieving yourself, seek out people who know how to sit with you without filling the silence. That kind of companionship is one of grief's most significant gifts.
If you are navigating a significant loss: Professional grief support — from a therapist, grief counselor, or grief support group — can be a meaningful resource. You do not have to be in crisis to benefit from support. If you are experiencing thoughts of self-harm or suicide, please reach out to a mental health professional or the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline (call or text 988 in the U.S.).
Frequently Asked Questions
What is grief?
Grief is the natural emotional response to loss. While most commonly associated with the death of someone we love, it can arise from any significant loss: the end of a relationship, a career change, a health diagnosis, a miscarriage, a friendship ending, moving away from a community, or losing a sense of who you were. Grief is not limited to a single emotion — it encompasses sadness, anger, confusion, numbness, relief, guilt, yearning, and many other feelings, often in waves and without a predictable sequence. Grief is not a problem to be fixed. It is evidence of how much something mattered.
Can grief and joy exist at the same time?
Yes — and this is one of the most important things to understand about grief. Joy and grief are not opposites that cancel each other out. They are distinct emotional experiences that can, and often do, coexist. Feeling joy in the midst of grief does not mean you have moved on or do not care enough. Joy does not erase grief. Grief does not invalidate joy. Holding both is not a contradiction — it is the reality of being human.
What are the five stages of grief?
The five stages of grief — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance — were developed by Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969. These stages have been widely influential, but they are not a required sequence that everyone moves through in order. They were originally developed in the context of people facing their own deaths, not bereaved loved ones more broadly. Many grief researchers now use other models that better capture the non-linear nature of grief. The most important thing: there is no 'right' way to grieve, and not experiencing a particular stage does not mean something is wrong.
How long does grief last?
There is no correct answer — grief does not have a timeline. For most people, the acute intensity of early grief gradually shifts over time, but grief is rarely 'over' in any clean sense. It tends to change character: from something constant and overwhelming in early loss to something that surfaces in waves, often triggered by anniversaries, sensory reminders, or life milestones. Prolonged Grief Disorder is a clinical condition in which grief remains intensely debilitating for an extended period and may benefit from specific therapeutic intervention.
When should someone seek professional support for grief?
Seeking support for grief is always valid — you do not need to be in crisis to benefit. Professional support is particularly important if grief has significantly disrupted your ability to function over an extended period; if you're experiencing thoughts of self-harm; if grief is complicated by guilt, anger, or trauma that feels too large to manage alone; or if you are using substances to cope. Grief therapy, grief support groups, and grief-informed counseling can all be valuable resources.